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And you'd think there'd be a map screen? Of course not. Anyway, what's this all about? Couldn't they have come up with anything better than that?

He looks like he's got a bad suntan. You can use your gun, but it's more amusing to punch the living shit out of people. Punches a few bad guys, and they bounce off the walls Bam!

Oh, look at him go, down the steps. He's still goin'. What the hell? Were they really trying to be serious with this?

You have the option to interrogate him or arrest him. If you choose to arrest him, you just get scolded by your superior officer and get sent back to the station.

What kind of detective is that?! But now your life is starting to diminish. Zooms in on the health meter, which shows a couple of stars.

And to make matters worse, you're not allowed to shoot unarmed men. If you shoot somebody who doesn't have a gun, you lose half a star. You switch between the gun and the fists by pushing Select, and you have to keep doing it constantly.

That's bullshit! That's fine, but then how about when you punch people, they bounce off the damn walls?! That's pretty realistic.

The Nerd: OK, there's the clue, the first piece of evidence we need. Dick climbs up a rope What the hell's he doin'?! Get off the rope! Why the hell would you want to climb on the rope?

Dick picks up the clue So then he collects the clue by punching at it. It tells you, "Footprints in puddle of spilled green ink".

Footprints on top of a crate hanging from a rope? Sure, whatever. The Nerd: After you leave the pier, you chase a car down. Probably the only time the bullets come in handy.

Again, Dick doesn't write it down. He just writes down the clue, which tells us nothing. Besides, you can't even see the notepad unless you go back to the station.

During the gameplay, there's no status screen where you bring up the clues or anything. Why wouldn't a detective bring the notepad with him?

Dumb Dick. Also, preferably a couch to sit on. The Nerd: "Game Over"? Just one life?! That's it?! And no continues, either?! Where's my clue?!

I have to get it again?! That's insane! At least you don't have to talk to Steve the Tramp again, or Shoulders.

As long as you remember where to find the clues, you can skip the interrogation parts. By the time I get to the second building, my life is already halfway drained from the snipers.

Then I go through another barrage of bad guys shooting at me from every conceivable angle. The Nerd: I get to the damn clue, I try jumping at it, but that doesn't work, so I go back on to the ledge.

Can I jump on the ladder? You can never tell what's a platform and what's just part of the background. Here we go, let's try again.

OK, how does this work? If you jump, you just end up on the platform. And you can't jump straight down, that's ridiculous.

So, my only way is to just slightly-- grunts angrily Your mother. Dick manages to collect the clue What?!

I got it? I've been jumping at it for 5 minutes and then finally I get it? Like, what did I do different?

There's no way you can be expected to find four clues without dying; that's impossible! Even going into this place with full health, it's hard to survive to the end.

It's hard as Dick. What's wrong with you? That's ridiculous! Like, what?! Like, you have to travel all around and go to five different buildings, four to get the clues, and then the last one to arrest Numbers!

All without dying once! The Nerd: You know, remember when you were a little kid, it was fuckin' Friday, you did all your homework, and you rented a game from the local video store.

And this was it, this was your whole weekend, this one game! You didn't have anything else to do! The Nerd: I also noticed on the startup screen that there's a continue option where you can put in a code.

Only the booger-eaters and specials dug him and his lame catchphrases. Who, you are certainly gung-ho to masquerade as a seasoned fan via treating your introduction to Matt Smith and Karen Gillan as the greatest event of your young life….

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